so my dad has been making bird noises for the last hour and finally I was like dad are you trying to summon me or something like what are you doing
then he goes “oh good you got my tweet” and giggled manically
my dad thinks hes famous now, he keeps asking me to check the notes
Your dad-pure genius
my friends sister was telling me about how in highschool a guy tried to take a picture up her skirt as she was walking up stairs and she saw, grabbed his phone, broke it in half, and handed it back to him and said “you can tell your mom why your phones broken”
for a second I forgot about flip phones and I was like how in the holy hell did she rip a phone in half
"Condoms don’t work."
"Your first time is supposed to hurt."
"It’s not really sex if there’s no penetration."
"Girls don’t masturbate."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away